Things were beginning to come a bit more clear.
Remember the list of questions we couldn't answer? One of them was answered...boy or girl?
Boy, oh, boy.
I asked the Lord to do a work on my heart in this area. I didn't want to just accept His will...I wanted to embrace it. I wanted to be able to tell whoever this little boy was (ha!) that he was sooo wanted. I would tell Kevin that the only boy I had a heart for was Luke...but i just knew I couldn't do that. He would repeat, "If he's ours the Lord will give you the grace."
Anyway, after seeing his picture and hearing the Lord speak "boy" so clearly, our hearts kept coming back to Luke. I couldn't escape thoughts of him. Kevin and I would talk about him frequently...especially in the car for some reason.
And that's when the giants (aka...the "Facts") would come into full view. They each had a name and a height and reasons to turn tail and run.
Giant Fact #1 He's a boy. Okay, that one was slain.
Giant Fact #2 He's older...that was a smaller giant to me. What would the attachment process be like with an older child? A baby has so many needs...there are lots of opportunities to demonstrate your commitment, love, provision. But older children are so much more independent. Maybe his special need would give us opportunities?
Giant Fact #3 His special need. And I'm not talking about the wheelchair. In one of our car discussions, I told Kevin through tears the wheelchair didn't scare me, it was the incontinence that I knew came with paralysis that scared me. Potty training was never my favorite part of parenting (probably silly, I know, but just being honest) and the thought of daily potty "stuff" just scared me.
Giant Fact #4 Money. Or the lack thereof. Lily's adoption was finalized in August of 2010...10 months ago (7 months when all this was surfacing). Our tax return was, and still is, in "review." And even when/if that comes it will most certainly not cover another adoption. Our savings accounts are running on empty from Lily's adoption and our retirement has rules that make it untouchable. Let's just say financial planners would not approve.
Giant Fact #5 Our house. We have an average-sized house with enough bedrooms (4...Anna Grace, Ally & Lily share a bedroom. Slumber party every night! Emma has her own. When Aaron moved out, he left a free bedroom...read Luke's). The issue was the stairs. Our house has 3 levels. Luke's bedroom would be upstairs. The school room is in the basement. Stairs are a regular part of life here. Moving didn't seem like an option given the housing market and loving our location.
Giant Fact #6 Our vehicle. We have a 10 year old minivan that keeps on trucking. However, wheelchair accessible it is not. Nor is the trunk large enough to hold much beyond a wheelchair. That's about when Giant Fact #4 would weigh in again.
Giant Fact #7 Six kids? Six kids...Really? Do I have some odd desire to totally exhaust myself? Do I ever want to have time for Kevin?
Giant Fact #8 Insanity. Mandy, you're just losing it.
These giants stood in a circle around us. They would take turns asking us questions and throwing out legitimate facts and questioning our sanity...even our love for our other children! Then they would take a brief break. And, then, it would start up again. This went on for several weeks.
Keep in mind we hadn't even researched Luke's availability at this point. This was all before we got to the point of asking for his file.
I remember spending a day fasting and praying asking the Lord to bring Luke a family. I told the Lord I'd be his "prayer mama." I'd pray with the heart of a mother for him until his mama showed up. And, oh yeah, if it was me...would you make it clear beyond belief? So I would know that I know that I know.
Eventually, Kevin said, "We aren't going to know any more...until we know more. We need to ask for his file."
To be continued...(yes, there is a Part 9!)
In Him,
Oh your reasons list Mandy!!
ReplyDeleteWe talk and talk adoption again and I could just take your reason list and paste it right onto my own story because if I wrote out our reasons they would read exactly the same. All of them.
Cherie