In the weeks leading up to this I had told Kevin that I didn't want to look at his file just to look at his file. We needed to be truly open to adopting him in order for me to feel okay about looking at his file. He would respond not only that he understood, but that wasn't I getting a little ahead of myself? How did we know another family hadn't already accepted him or wasn't looking at his file?
Me, in my all-knowingness (insert laugh track) would retort, "No one's looking at his file."
It took me several days to contact anyone. I emailed the agency we used when we adopted Lily and Love Without Boundaries to have them send our agency his information so they could locate him.
Very quickly we got a reply. Faster than she could have gotten the info from LWB. She seemed to know exactly who I was talking about.
Odd.
And she said something that stopped me in my tracks....
Another family was reviewing his file.
I was so sure that that wasn't possible that I thought she was confusing him with a baby boy Lily's age who was on their agency-specific list who had Spina Bifida. After all...how could she immediately know Luke who wasn't on their agency list, but had been on the Shared List (open to all China adoption agencies) for so long?
There had to be a mix up.
Long story short...after a few phone calls, there was no mix up.
Another.family.was.reviewing.his.file.
I tried to sound happy...this was an answer to my prayers, right? And I even said so on the phone. And, in some ways I was happy.
See I had been studying Gideon...and fleeces. Gideon, who felt totally ill-equipped for the task the Lord put before him, asked the Lord for a "fleece," a sign. Two actually.
I wrestled leading up to asking for Luke's file with whether or not it was okay to ask the Lord for a fleece. Was it a lack of faith? I asked Him to show me if it was okay.
As I studied Judges 6-7, the Lord showed me that the call God placed on Gideon was big. It impacted the lives of many, many people. The consequences of the decision to lead the army of Israel against the heretofore invincible Midianites would be significant. And, he was no warrior. Gideon laid out lots of facts before the Lord. He needed what I needed...the "I know that I know that I know that this is the Lord's will" assurance. So in Judges 6: 36-40, Gideon put out a fleece (He asked the Lord to make a dry piece of fleece wet in the morning with the ground around it dry. The next night he asked that the fleece would be dry and the ground wet in the morning. Hence, calling my request a "fleece.").
But I really wasn't sure that this was okay for me to ask of the Lord. I've heard some pastors teach rather negatively on this passage, and I didn't want to displease the Lord. So I prayed He would direct me in the way I should go.
Now, here's the thing that the Lord showed me. If God had disapproved of this...He wouldn't have answered. He could have rebuked Gideon, moved onto someone else, ignored the request. But what happens? God answers! Without reproach. (James 1:5 But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.) Then Gideon asks again. And what does God do? Grow impatient? Say, "I already showed you?" No. He answers again.
And then the next thing God did blessed my heart beyond explanation. God initiates another confirmation. He let Gideon overhear the dream of a Midianite soldier that prophesied Israel's victory! Gideon didn't ask, but God gave. He offered Gideon further confirmation of His will for Gideon's life. Why? I think it was because He saw in the heart of Gideon a willingness to do whatever God asked, but I think He also knew Gideon didn't trust his own flesh and loved the people of Israel too much to bring destruction upon them by his own hand. So He made sure that Gideon knew He was in God's will. It was a big decision.
And God, through Gideon, gave me the grace to ask for a fleece. My fleece? Lord, please don't let Luke's file come to us if he is not ours. If it comes to us, I will take it as You saying he's our son.
So, back to the phone call...in one sense I was happy because it seemed that the Lord was revealing His will. Luke's file was with someone else...a totally unexpected turn of events (to me, at least!). And, I wanted His will above all else.
But I was surprised by what else I felt. Brokenheartedness. I had caught myself in the weeks previous imagining him in our family, holding his hand, stroking his hair, planning his school work, mentally painting his bedroom, sitting with him in church, reading to him, celebrating when he accepts Jesus.
And now someone else might get to do those things and I might never meet this little Luke with the most infectious smile.My heart had changed from "Lord, do I have to?" to "Lord, do I get to?"
And so I prayed...for two and a half weeks...for the Lord's will and His hand of guidance upon this other family.
In Him,
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