Like many major events, there were signs it was coming. I’ve begun calling them “rumblings.” They are the noise, the weight of what the Lord is burdening my heart over and speaking to my soul about. They are rumblings because I practically feel them and they might as well be physical or audible. Like the tremors that lead to an earthquake, they are persistent, don’t go away, frequently grow in intensity. But much like those tremors, many are under the surface where no one sees but the Creator and those whose instruments are designed to see.
My heart is my “rumbling” sensor. I know there’s movement going on…”noise”…pointing to the Lord’s working, but what He’s bringing me to isn’t always obvious until it is...obvious.
As I look back over my life, I can’t think of a specific time when the Lord has not moved in my life without preparing me first…without His rumblings in my heart.
Before I begin to tell you about Luke’s story [so far] I must tell you in the next couple of posts of the preparation I see the Lord has brought me through…the rumblings.
“She doesn’t need perfect parents”
Without sharing more than I feel like I can in this venue, shortly after we returned from China we had a major incident with one of our children. A very difficult incident…the results of which we continue to live with. This event was not without its own “rumblings,” but it was still personally devastating. In the weeks that preceded it and the weeks after, I struggled with major feelings of failure as a mom. As you’ll read, the Lord had been laying a desire to adopt again after Lily on our hearts; but with this occurrence I would argue with the Lord about the wisdom of that (I laugh now at my audacity…”who is this who darkens my counsel?”). It was too late for Lily to get better parents, I reasoned, she was stuck with this lousy mom; but we didn’t have to put another kiddo through this!
After awhile the Lord spoke gently to my heart…Mandy, they don’t need perfect parents, they need parents who love Me and who are committed to loving them. Hmmm.
Do I mean what I sing? What I say?
Wow, this one I couldn’t get away from. Every time we entered into praise and worship at church, every time a worship song was on the radio, every time the girls or Kevin would sing songs to the Lord, I would find myself singing along…and at some point be totally struck by the words.
Pierced by words, really.
They were/are so easy to sing! But do I really mean them?
Am I living them?
Do I really want to “lay my life down for you, Jesus?”
Do I really “surrender all” or just the things I don’t really want anyway?
I would find myself praying as I was singing…Lord, make these words true of me. I know that in so many ways they are not…but I want them to be. I want to live them, not just say them.
I see He has been preparing my heart for what He was going to reveal. To go where He sends, follow where He leads.
...before God even moved in Kevin's heart that we were to adopt!