Flowers in the Valley

I've shared a good deal about the events of this last December and how they radically changed what we thought would be coming in 2012.  


They have been raw posts.


I also want to share just a bit of what we have come to know.  That... "yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil." Psalm 23


Do you know what I have discovered about the valley?


There are beautiful flowers there.


And these flowers only grow there.  There in the Valley of the Shadow.


So, what happened next in December would hardly seem on the surface to be the beginning of the Lord showing me some of what He was wanting to teach me in the Valley of the Shadow of Death...but it truly was.


I had gone to bed the night of December 30th and woke up the next morning in an ambulance.  I soon discovered that I was there because I had had a grand mal seizure while I was sleeping and my wonderful, loves-me-so-much, hero of a husband had called 911.  I know it was one of most terrifying things he has experienced.


[Just so you know...I am fine now and have not had another seizure since.  An underlying hormone imbalance combined with the intense stress of Luke's death is what the neurologists believe caused the seizure to happen.  The hormone imbalance is being treated and I am doing much better.]


God used this in a powerful way...as He promises me He will.  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).  You see in the days preceding the seizure and subsequent 2 day hospitalization, I knew in my head that Luke is so much better off with the Lord than with us.  I knew in my head that he is whole and healthy and all of the wounds of life upon his body and spirit were totally healed.  I was happy in my head that he is with his perfect Daddy.  


But my heart was struggling to take hold of what I knew. 


I sat in a hospital for 2 days having procedure after test after scan run.  Our friends and family surrounded us in the most amazing outpouring of love and support.  I saw my husband's immense love for me poured out in the most tender and protective of ways.  


But none of that made me want to be in the hospital being poked and prodded over and over.


In the midst of all of that, the Lord reminded me that this was just 2 days...for Luke it would have been something he experienced regularly.  In those 2 days, I got just a glimpse of what life would have been like for him...even with loving family to support and care for him...and it made my heart rejoice that he would never have to see any doctor other than the Great Physician again.


My heart finally was able to feel some of what my head knew.  There was a sense of relief for Luke that he wouldn't have to experience this again.


The Lord has been teaching me much since Luke's death.  It has been an exceptionally rich and intimate time with the Lord.  A time of growth in intimacy with my Father, Savior, and Lord that has been in proportion to the pain of the trial.


This was just the tip of the iceberg of what the Lord wanted to show me...I could never share it all...but I can share some.


To be continued...


In Him,

Full-fledged Walker!

Lily has become a full-fledged walker within the last month or so.   Up to that point she would take 2-5 steps and then go back to crawling.  

But that was then.  

Now my little Lily is up and about almost all of the day.

Take a look at a video Emma took of her....

In Him,

Easter Pictures...finally!

In Him,

Saturday

A close friend of mine sent me this devo the other day about what the disciples must have been going through when they thought Jesus was dead.  

It really ministered to me as I've become acquainted with grief these last months.  

I pray it ministers to you this...Saturday.

Saturday must have been a long and dark day. Not only did they hide in fear of their lives, but even worse, they grieved deeply. Jesus was gone. His disciples had watched the soldiers carry him off to his execution the day before. Now it was Saturday, their master was dead and the grief cut deeply, leaving them utterly hollow.

They had not signed up for this. Jesus was supposed to be the Messiah. He was supposed to lead them to victory over their oppressors. He was supposed to establish Israel as a strong nation once again and allow them to bask in the joy of sweet justice. Pain, grief, and sorrow were not part of the package.

Perhaps you have felt like the disciples that dark Saturday. I know I have. Over a fifteen-month period in my life I experienced the deaths of a friend, two grandmothers, my father-in-law, and the church that we had planted, as well as the near death experiences of a sister-in-law and a niece. Wham! There I was. It seemed like everything around me was dying. I didn't sign up for this. I thought the way of following Jesus was one of victory and peace. All I felt was pain and despair. Actually, I had lost the ability to feel. I wish I could say that I handled it with poise and dignity, quietly nodding and smiling, quoting pithy platitudes about God's sovereignty. I didn't. I toggled between numb denial and irritating doubt. I wondered if perhaps I didn't measure up. Perhaps God was punishing me for something. Perhaps I'd been duped all these years and the universe really was a cold and empty place.

I have to think that the disciples had similar feelings on that dark Saturday. It seemed as if all hope was gone. We feel this way because we forget an important truth. The way of Jesus is a way of pain, grief, and sorrow. Jesus suffered much in his life - even before his arrest and execution. As a child he knew what it meant to be hidden in Egypt in fear for his life. He knew the loss of his stepfather, Joseph. He wept over the death of his friend, Lazarus. He grieved over the blindness of the citizens of Israel. He agonized to the point of blood in the garden of Gethsemane. He screamed out in the words of his ancestor, David, as he hung on the cross, "My God, My God, why have you abandoned me?"

But Jesus told us it would be this way. In John's account of Jesus' final teaching Jesus said that God would prune the branches that clung to the Vine (John 15:1-17). Pruning hurts. To have large parts of your life severed from you is not a pleasant experience. There is no joy in the sensation of shears cutting into your flesh. Yet, as the Great Gardener knows, without pruning there is no life.

That is the way of Jesus - the way of God's love and grace. God purifies us with pain. The disciples learned this and went on to write to the churches about it. James said to consider it pure joy when we suffer various trials, because in the end it makes us complete and strong. Peter told us that suffering refines our hearts like fire refines gold. Then Paul, as he described the painful process of working through persecution and breaking down the walls of prejudice, reached the climax of the whole process with one word - hope.

Saturday was finally over. On Sunday the disciples came face to face with a reality that is deeper than grief. They met hope. Jesus plowed through pain and grief and came out the other side alive once more. Saturdays will come. Of that you can be sure. They will come and they will be painful. They may last a day; they may last twenty months. When they come, remember this - without Saturday we don't get to Sunday. The love of Jesus is our hope for today and forever. We will grieve, but we can grieve with hope.

 

In Him,

October Baby

All I can say is...powerful. 

Kevin and I are not movie-goers at all, but occasionally we make an exception.

October Baby was the exception.

If you have not heard of the movie, it was released this past weekend (I think!) to limited theaters and is a story that really just hits way too close to home. 


I have never cried at a movie like I did at this one.

You see I have three October Babies...this movie relates to two of them...my oldest and my youngest.  

The movie is about a young woman who discovers that she is adopted and that her birth mother tried to abort her.  Only she survived.  The movie is the story of how she discovers this and the road to forgiveness she travels.

Some of you know me personally.  Some of you don't.  Some of you know my history.  Many of you don't.

When I was 16 I discovered that I was pregnant with a baby due in October.  I was faced with the question of what to do.  I praise God, that even in my rebellious state at that time, He had given me the strength of conviction that abortion was never an option and that He had given me loving, supportive, forgiving parents who stood by me in my decision to keep my baby.

My first October baby was born on the 20th of the month with head full of dark brown hair after the most torturous labor I have ever endured.  He ended up being 9lbs 2oz!

I have never for a minute regretted my decision.

My heart aches for those who have not had the support or the love that I had.

The movie's main character, Hannah, was an October baby.  Her birthdate was October 7.  

Our youngest...our sweet, little Lily was born October 7.

Thousands of miles from here another woman made a desperate decision...I believe motivated by love...to give this sweet little girl a chance at a full life.  She chose to place her in the care of an orphanage...to give her a chance to be adopted.

Ten and a half months later, we would bring Lily into our family.  Our longed-for Lily is the fulfillment of a promise the Lord had given me many years before that we would adopt a little girl and her name would be Lily Rose.  She is a heart's longing fulfilled.  


The main character in the movie struggles with the feelings of being unwanted and rejected by her birth mother.  Her adoptive parents love her immensely and she never doubts this and it is portrayed clearly in the movie...yet she still has these emotions.


As Kevin and I sat in tears in our car after the movie, our hearts ached as we were reminded...again...that even though we love Lily so much and we know God loves her immensely and planned for her to be with us...even before she was born...she may still wrestle with  these very same emotions.  In truth, I can't imagine her not on some level. 


Knowing that our precious Lily could hurt so deeply and that we can't fix that for her...just hurts.


I don't know how long October Baby will last in movie theaters, but I have no doubt that on those who watch it, it will have a lasting impact.  


In Him,

The Call

We had been waiting for our LOA (Letter of Acceptance)...the next step in our adoption process.  Once the LOA came we could pretty safely assume we'd be traveling in around 3 months.

We were on day 97 of our wait for LOA.

And there was a message on our answering machine to call our agency!

At first I was sure that our LOA had arrived!  But then I started thinking about it...



Usually that kind of info, as exciting as it is for us, comes in an email.

And the phone message didn't say anything about LOA.



What could it be?  

I was getting a little worried, but remained hopeful.



So when I finally connected with our agency by phone,  I said something like..."So, is our LOA here?"

Only to hear, "No, Mandy, I don't have good news."

And in the seconds that followed, I realized I was in the middle of a phone call that no one ever wants to get.  One I would never forget.  One in which I could do nothing but sob and sob and sob.


The sweet lady from the Waiting Child department of our agency said, "Mandy, Luke died."  And then she explained that they had received news that he had been fine on Christmas and then fell ill and died the next day.  She said they had waited to call us so that they could verify the information and ensure that there was no mix-up.  She said there had not been.


I remember her saying over and over "I am so sorry" as I just sat and cried.  


The only words I remember uttering were Job's...the Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.


I barely remember calling Kevin and telling him.  He immediately left work.


I spent the next hour by myself in my bedroom before the Lord.


Then I told my parents who were visiting.   They had been slated to leave a day or two earlier, but as God is sovereign, He had them stay longer.


That evening Kevin gathered all of the kids to tell them.  Even as I type this I cry.  I think that was as hard as receiving the phone call.  How do you sit your children down and tell them news that you know will break their hearts?


Yet, there was a presence, peace, and shreds of joy that only believers in Christ can know in that moment as we grieved together.  Everyone cried tears of love for Luke...as we each realized that Luke was with our God and King, our Abba...and that he is whole.  We grieved as a family as we each processed the reality that we would not be bringing Luke to our house, that we would not hold Luke's hand, we would not get to talk with him, laugh with him, get to teach him our family games and jokes.  We would not get to have our son and brother with us...yet.  One day we will be with him.  


It was such a gift for me personally to see my oldest son cry openly over the brother he so wanted and for us all to pray to God together.  The blessing of believing grandparents to help hold hurting hearts and speak Truth when neither Kevin nor I could speak goes beyond what I can type.


I must say this has been the hardest post for me to type yet, but as I reflect on that day, I rejoice in how much healing I see the Lord has done in these last 2 months.  I rejoice that even the hardest of days are only days...and that the Lord brings growth from the storms, He brings beauty from ashes, He teaches so much from the hurts.  


As my devotion this morning said...Every difficulty that presents itself to us, if we receive it in the right way, is God’s opportunity...When the “lion” comes, recognize it as God’s opportunity no matter how rough the exterior. The very tabernacle of God was covered with badgers’ skins and goats’ hair; one would not think there would be any glory there. The Shekinah of God was manifest under that kind of covering. May God open our eyes to see Him, whether in temptations, trials, dangers, or misfortunes. 


In Him,

Facelift

Emma gave my blog a facelift today.

She's constantly tweaking hers and decided mine could use some updating, too.  Especially after I said something about liking how wide the text area was on hers.

So what do you think?

In a day or two I will continue posting about Luke's home-going and my seizure and what the Lord has been showing us.  But for now, I wanted to say I am still here; and even though the blog may give the impression that I am in a continual state of tears, God has been so good and life continues and God's comfort is real. 

Don't get me wrong...there are still tears.  But there have been days of joy...and an answer to years of prayer that I'll share soon. 


So to get a more balanced perspective on our lives...go see Emma's blog!

In Him,