As I begin my backtracking, I thought I'd start with a post that has been sitting in my drafts box for about 2 months.  I'm not sure why I never posted it, but I decided to publish it because it expresses the condition of my heart leading up to Luke's home-going and the amazing foreknowledge of God. 

I remember getting to this point while waiting to bring Lily home.  I've been searching for adjectives to describe it, but they all seem to fall short.

The Depraved Indifference video expresses it well. 

My son is on the other side of the world and all I want to do is get on a plane and fly to his foster home and be a mother to him.  I want to be the one who makes his meals, washes his clothes, rubs my hand over his hair, listens to his jokes, tell him yes when he asks a question...or 'no!', tuck him into bed, watch him play with other children, hear him sing a song or giggle.

The ache in my chest grows it seems each day.  

I had thought that the Christmas season might help time go by more quickly while we wait for Luke.  But it has seemed to highlight that he is missing.

As I have prepared for Christmas (a scaled back version as most pennies are going to Luke's adoption), and planned special things for the girls and Aaron, it has stirred a longing to do these things for Luke.

I have felt like a  mama bird trying to get to her baby in its nest, only to bump up against the walls of a cage.  So close, yet out of reach.

Once again God knows my heart.  Today, during worship, the words of one of the songs brought a sudden flow of tears.  The song declared that God is our refuge.

Why did this bring tears?

I had learned a couple of weeks ago of some circumstances in Luke's foster home that were less than ideal.  God has moved in them and provided, but hearing of them brought out the mama bird/bear in me.  I wanted to go rescue and protect.

And God kept reassuring me that He was there.  And He was and is. 

But these words...God is my refuge.

They were repeated later when I sat down with Spurgeon's Faith's Checkbook.  God knows what I need and He is speaking directly to this mom's heart.

December 18

Defended and Covered

As birds flying, so will the Lord of hosts defend Jerusalem. (Isaiah 31:5)

With hurrying wing the mother bird hastens up to the protection of her young. She wastes no time upon the road when coming to supply them with food or guard them from danger. Thus as on eagle's wings will the Lord come for the defense of His chosen; yea, He will ride upon the wings of the wind.

With outspread wing the mother covers her little ones in the nest. She hides them away by interposing her own body. The hen yields her own warmth to her chicks and makes her wings a house, in which they dwell at home. Thus doth Jehovah Himself become the protection of His elect. He Himself is their refuge, their abode, their all.

As birds flying and birds covering (for the word means both), so will the Lord be unto us: and this He will be repeatedly and successfully. We shall be defended and preserved from all evil: the Lord who likens Himself to birds will not be like them in their feebleness, for He is Jehovah of hosts. Let this be our comfort, that almighty love will be swift to succor and sure to cover. The wing of God is more quick and more tender than the wing of a bird, and we will put our trust under its shadow henceforth and forever.

As I reread Spurgeon's words, I see the preparation He was doing in my heart.  Reminding me that He would be my refuge.  He would protect me in the trials to come as a mother hen protects her chicks.  He would always be standing between me and the trial.  He would preserve me, as the last paragraph says.

One of the things that makes me fall more and more in love with God is to look back at something like this unposted post and see how God knew all along and was (in His unfathomable love) preparing me!  

He is so good.  So, so good.

In Him,

1 comment:

  1. Would love to have something truly conforting to say, but know my words can't do that. Know you and your family are lifted in prayer, and we too trust the Lord is the perfect refuge.
    As I read your post, the lirics for MW Smith's
    "Welcome Home" kept coming to mind and know that Luke is home and the day will come when you know him and are known by him. For now I pray God's comfort.